Ever On and On - Path One
by badskippy
Summary: Thorin Oakenshield has sacraficed his life in the Battle of the Five Armies. Now Bilbo Baggins must travel Life's Path without the man he loves ...
1. Battle of the Five Armies

Life is like a road, going ever on and on. But sometimes there are multiple paths the road can go …. Thorin Oakenshield has given his life for his Kingdom and his people. Bilbo must come to terms and continue on his path alone.

* * *

**EVER ON AND ON – Path One**

* * *

**Battle of the Five Armies**

Bilbo struck out at the Orc and it fell with the surprise of the invisible attack. The little Hobbit laughed inwardly to himself _"This magic ring a handy thing!", _as he thrust his sword into the belly of another Orc.

But even Bilbo, with his invisibility, was able to see the battle was not going well. The men, elves and dwarves were outnumbered and the Orcs and Wargs seemed to pour over the land like a poisonous wave. But Bilbo would not give up – he had already lost so much for peace, more than he could even put into words, and he would not see it all end in defeat.

Suddenly there was a great cry and the gates of Erebor opened and out poured Bilbo's hopes and dreams – Thorin and his company charged into the fray with cries of death for the advancing foes. Bilbo's heart lifted and yet ached to see his beloved Thorin to throw himself so recklessly into the battle. But he also had to admit that there was no one braver than Thorin and even with all that had transpired between them, Bilbo loved Thorin more than ever.

_"He will not stand alone!"_ Bilbo thought as he raced towards Thorin. He would be more than happy to give his life for Thorin if it meant the mighty Dwarf-king's safety. Dodging, ducking and weaving his way towards Thorin, Bilbo did not see a rock, hurtled from the mountain as defense, sailing towards him.

Pain exploded on the right side of his skull and while his Elven helmet protected him from death; darkness took him and Bilbo fell unseen to the ground.

* * *

Bilbo awoke some time later, but could not say how long he had been out. There was nothing but silence around him and at first he didn't understand why the world was so dull and colorless.

Shaking his throbbing head to clear it, Bilbo stood to take in the scene around him.

_"Where did everyone go?"_ he thought. Clearly the battle was over, but what of the outcome? Then he saw Dwarves, Elves and Men walking about, removing bodies and helping survivors. Victory; they had won! He called out a greeting, but those nearest only looked around in bewilderment. Bilbo realized that he was still wearing the ring. _"This invisibility has its drawbacks after all!"_

A man was coming near him and he removed his ring.

"Who are you?!" said the man startled at Bilbo's sudden appearance.

Removing his helmet, Bilbo answered, "It is me, Bilbo Baggins! Companion of Thorin!" Bilbo's stomach dropped and he felt a lump in his throat, _Companion of Thorin_, _indeed._ Hot guilt ran though him but he pushed it down. He wanted to make sure Thorin was well and he didn't want to waste time.

"It is good that I found you!" the man exclaimed. "You are needed and we have been looking for you long!"

"Needed? Why ever for? What is wrong?!" Bilbo felt panic raise in him.

The man ignored the questions but asked, "Are you much hurt?"

"A nasty knock on the head, "Bilbo answered, "but I have a helm and a hard skull. All the same, I feel sick and my legs feel like straw."

"I will carry you down to the camp." The man swept Bilbo up in his arms and while he would normally protest at such treatment, he knew that it was for the best.

Stepping over dead Orcs and Wargs, the man took Bilbo towards a cluster of tents to one side of the battlefield. As they drew close Gandalf the Grey stepped into view and the man called to him.

"Bilbo Baggins!" Gandalf said as the man placed Bibo on the ground before him. "Alive after all – I am glad! I began to wonder if your luck would see you through."

"Where is Thorin?!" Bilbo demanded. "How did the battle go? What was the outcome?"

A dark look spread over Gandalf's face and his expression became somber. "Kili and Fili are dead; other news can wait. But come, you are called for."

Gandalf pulled Bilbo into the tent and the Hobbit's eyes widened in shock.

There before him on a small cot was the bloodied and battered form of Thorin Oakenshield. There was little color in Thorin's face and Bilbo could barely see his beloved king's chest rise and fall as he rushed to his side. Heavy bandages with angry, bright red blood seeping through them, wrapped his chest and many more wound around his arms. His face was a patchwork of cuts and bruises. His eyes were closed and he did not open them even as Bilbo gently took his hand.

Gandalf stood at the foot of the cot next to Bard of Dale and the Elven-king Thranduil. All three stood still and stony gazing down at the Dwarf-king.

"Thorin," Bilbo said, barely above a whisper. "It's me, Bilbo. I'm here."

After several long seconds without a response, Bilbo called to the king again, "Thorin – Thorin, please open your eyes. Please. Please look at me."

There was a slow inhale and Thorin opened his eyes halfway and blinked. He turned his head and a small smile formed as his gaze fell on the Hobbit. Bilbo kissed the back of Thorin's hand never taking his eyes from the king.

"Farewell," Thorin whispered, "good thief."

Bilbo chocked back a sob. "No! Don't say that, Thorin."

"I go now to the halls of waiting to sit beside my fathers."

"No, you're not. You are going to be all right." Bilbo threw Gandalf a quick, questioning look but the Wizard simply looked away, unable to hold the desperate Hobbit's gaze, least the Halfling see the awful truth written there.

"Don't cry, my dear burglar," Thorin continued, "I am so sorry. I take back my words and deeds at the gate and I wish to part … in friendship." Thorin's smile faded a bit and his eyes glistened with tears.

Bilbo could not contain his tears and he used all his efforts to keep his voice as even as possible, lest Thorin not hear him clearly. "Oh Thorin, you have no need of my forgiveness, I never blamed you for you actions! I hurt you - I did all the wrong things, regardless of the right reasons! It is I that beg your forgiveness for I love you more than I can express!"

Thorin smiled and a tear slowly ran down his cheek. "I forgave you the moment you were gone – for I regretted everything as soon as I realized I had chosen hoarded gold over the one being I truly treasured. But now I go to where all the gold and silver have no worth."

"No, Thorin. No."

"Farewell, my sweet Bilbo – my love" Thorin's eyes closed; his breathing slowed.

"Thorin – Thorin, please stay with me!" Bilbo pleaded and begged, but Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, was already gone.

Silence rang in the air and it was Bard that finally broke it.

"We will return the Arkenstone to be buried with Thorin," Bard said, his voice hushed and heavy.

"I will see that Orcrist is brought to him and laid upon his tomb," Thranduil replied.

But Bilbo jumped to his feet and fixed the two leaders with a thunderous look and his rage broke over them like a hurricane.

"You stand there," Bilbo screamed, "and offer those things that were most dear to him when they are now no longer of use?! You took them for selfish and petty reasons!"

Bilbo glared at Bard, "You could have offered the Arkenstone freely, without any demands as a sign of good faith! Thorin may have listened then!"

Bilbo turned on the Elf, "And you! You offer the sword now when it could have been of greater use when he still breathed! You took it for no other reason than to hurt and humiliate him!

"And you two dare to call yourselves Kings?! YOU ARE NOT KINGS! HE WAS A KING! Thorin was King!

He – he –," Bilbo whispered hoarsely, his voice breaking, "he was my king,"

His anger spent, Bilbo lowered himself back to Thorin's side.

"Bilbo –" Gandalf said gently.

There was no response.

"Bilbo, come away." Gandalf laid a hand gently on the Hobbit's shoulder, but Bilbo pushed it off.

"No."

"Bilbo –" Gandalf tried again to lead the Halfling away, but Bilbo moved out of reach, sprang to his feet, and brandished his elvish sword.

Bilbo only looked at the ground but said, in a lower and dangerous growl, "The next person that tries to take me from his side will feel the cold sting of my blade."

Sensing that Bilbo was most serious, Gandalf led Bard and Thranduil out of the tent and Bilbo was finally left in peace with the man he had loved but could not save. He wound his arms around his king's neck and laid his forehead on Thorin's. Bilbo's grief overcame him and he cried rivers of pain and loss.


	2. Fit For a King

**Fit for a King**

As the days wore on, the great kingdom of Erebor came slowly back to life. Each day brought more dwarves to the mountain and as they poured in, the clean-up increased. Repairs were made and bridges fixed. If a stone bridge was unsalvageable, the smiths were to build a new iron bridge as a replacement. Sleeping chambers and kitchens were next. Weaponry, jewelry, and even toy shops were all reopened so that wares could be made and sold. Masons went out and assisted Dale with their rebuilding effort and in exchange, food began to flow back into Erebor; the old trading system quickly resumed.

But of course, the hardest thing was the disposal of the dead. There were so many bodies that there was not enough time to excavate new burial chambers so for several days after the battle, huge funeral pyres burned at all hours of the day and night. However, it was decided very quickly that the bodies of Thorin and his nephews, Fili and Kili, were to be cleaned, prepared and placed in iron coffins while the royal tombs were hastily cleaned and marble sarcophagi constructed for their final burial.

Bilbo had finally been led away from Thorin's side several hours after his death by Thorin's sister, Dis. She had left her home in the Blue Mountains and arrived only a few hours after the battle was over. Overcome as she was for her sons, she had resigned herself that they and her brother had given their lives for the people and there was no greater honor. She quickly developed a soft spot for the little hobbit and it was only she that could understand his grief and heartache.

Bilbo did not speak for days after. He did not resume crying but all food left in front of him remained untouched except for sips of cool water or Dale wine. All the remaining company and Gandalf attempted to draw him out of his misery, but to no avail.

While the smiths worked overtime to finish the iron coffins for the king and princes, their bodies were kept in one of the upper icy caves with guards set to protect them. Finally, on the fifth day, they were ready.

The clean-up efforts and rebuilding were shut down for the day. Most of the people of Dale and a good number of Elves arrived. As the crowd became somber, the bodies were brought forth and carried to the iron coffins, which Bilbo did not even notice were covered in intricate geometric shapes and runes, all designed to wish for peace and safe journeys to the next world.

Bilbo stood next to Dis, an honored place, and made no sound as he watched Thorin's body lowered into the black iron casket. A small bittersweet smile graced Bilbo's face as he looked upon Thorin dressed in beautiful robes of Midnight Blue and embroidered with Mithril thread. He looked handsome and heroic in Bilbo's eyes, but just as quickly his smile faded as despair seeped into the Hobbit's breaking heart.

A rushing noise filled Bilbo's ears and he began to slowly walk towards the open casket. The wind whipped his cloak about him, but he felt neither warmth nor cold, and he was oblivious to the watchful eyes of the hundreds of people forming the circle around the viewing area. He knelt down beside the coffin and gently rearranged Thorin's braids coming from his temples, although they didn't need it.

Suddenly, Bilbo realized that someone was standing next to him and he looked up to see King Bard standing there. Bard reached out his hand and the Hobbit saw the Arkenstone. _"Of course,"_ thought Bilbo, _"we mustn't forget that."_

Bilbo's small hands slowly took the radiant jewel and placed it over Thorin's heart. It was only then, as Bilbo drew back his hands, that they brushed against Thorin's folded ones and the Halfling realized how terribly cold and lifeless they were. Reality hit him and his grief, which was thought spent, rushed forth like a flood and he crumpled over the side of the coffin and sobbed.

The viewers were taken by the sorrow of the little Hobbit and most began to cry anew at the sight. They all had such regard for Bilbo after everything he had done for them, their kingdom and their King, that the least they could do was share in his misery and pain. Finally, Dis came forward and again led him away as the Dwarf choir sang a lament and the lids were placed upon the caskets and sealed.

It took thirty dwarf warriors, ten per casket, 5 per side, to lift and carry the three coffins to the royal tombs. The entire procession walked through the front gate Erebor and through the main part of the kingdom. Once the tomb was reached only a small contingent of mourners followed to the end; the remaining Company, Dis, Dain – who was to take possession of the throne of Erebor – King Bard, Thranduil, Gandalf and of course, Bilbo.

Bilbo could not say later how he got there. He remembered nothing of the slow march to the tomb and it was only as the coffins were placed and pallbearers had left that he became aware of where he was.

There were prayers and short eulogies by the members of the Company and Gandalf. King Bard and Thranduil also gave praise and restated their commitment to peace and the fragile forming alliance between themselves and Erebor.

It was Dain – who had refused to come or send any dwarf warriors to assist in taking back Erebor – that waxed poetic about Thorin. Bilbo felt vile resentment and anger but he kept his peace as much for Dis and the others as for himself and his love of Thorin and the princes.

Bilbo closed his eyes rather than listen to Dain and pictured happier days and fair weather with Thorin. He recalled when they had bathed after descending the Carrock and it was then that Thorin and he had looked anew at each other and realized something building between them. Thorin had suddenly gotten shy when speaking with Bilbo after that and of course, that endeared Thorin to him even more. If Dain thought Bilbo was smiling because of his speech, Bilbo didn't care.

Finally, Dain finished and it was time to go. Bard and Thranduil took their leave and turned to go. Dis and Gandalf flanked the Hobbit and had silently agreed to wait for Bilbo to lead the way out. The remaining company members waited as well, as Bilbo went to talk with Dain.

"Thank you, Dain," Bilbo said, refusing to use any title that was rightfully Thorin's in his opinion, "your words were much appreciated." _ Especially since I got to think of Thorin instead_, Bilbo thought.

"Thank you, Master Burglar," Dain replied with a sugary smile. But it was Dain's casual use of Thorin's nickname for him that pushed Bilbo to another level of pain and he could not contain himself and a tear fell again.

"Oh I am sorry, Master Baggins," Dain said, sounding suspiciously like he wasn't at all.

Bilbo just nodded to Dain and turned to go. _ I have to get out of here_, he thought, _I have to get away because the walls are closing in and I need to breathe or else I will just lie down and never get up._

But Bilbo hadn't taken three steps when Dain made the worst mistake. "I know just how you feel, Mister Baggins," Dain said to Bilbo's retreating back.

Bilbo stopped dead and his tears turned hot and dried up as the resentment filled him. He took a deep breath and turned on the Dwarf.

"You do, do you?" Bilbo said quietly, and the others in the tomb felt a chill. "You know how I feel? Tell me, Dain, how is it possible that I am able to stand upright and breathe? How am I able to continue on minute by minute? What restrains me from running to the top of the tallest set of stairs and flinging myself down them in a final act so that I can have the honor and privilege to be buried next to Thorin Oakenshield for eternity?

"Pray tell me the answers to these questions – seeing how '_you know how I feel_.' Because I don't know the answers."

Bilbo fixed Dain with a fierce stare, but the Dwarf could only look back at him, dumbstruck. Bilbo did not see the shocked but impressed looks on the company's faces – although, Ori, who had become good friends with Bilbo, did start to cry and turned to Dwalin for comfort – and Dis and Gandalf smiled smugly at Dain in his discomfort.

Bilbo only waited a few long seconds for a reply, which he knew would not come, before he turned smartly on his heels and marched out of the chamber with his back straight and his head high.

"_Thick-headed Dwarf!" _Bilbo thought._ "Don't you dare presume to know how I feel!_

* * *

The celebratory feast in Thorin's name was wonderful, even if a bit on the unremarkable side. There was not a huge amount of food but thanks to the men of Dale and the Elves, there was good meat, fresh vegetables and somehow, Bombur had found the ingredients for several beautiful cakes.

A separate table had been set up just for the company and Dis. Of course, this table was the loudest and there was much laughter as they told stories and victories of Thorin.

After his dressing down of Dain, Bilbo had to admit he felt much better. He ate and he actually wanted to eat. Of course, it was slow going as almost everyone at the table was talking and laughing about Bilbo and Dain.

Bofur did a great impression of Dain's face and the company roared with laughter. "I thought Dain was going to shit rocks when you shot him that look, Bilbo!" Bofur said to the amazement of the whole table.

"I am very proud of you Bilbo," Dis said. "You put that pompous windbag in his place!" Dwalin, Bofur, Nori and Gloin all shouted their agreement.

"I have no doubt, Lady Dis," Bilbo replied, with a rather knowing smile, "that if I hadn't said something, you would have."

Dis laughed heartily, "You know me too well already, Master Baggins!"

As the feast wrapped up, Bilbo realized that he was very tired. He hadn't slept well in days but he longed to just lie down and surrender to sleep. He didn't want to admit it, but part of him was a bit afraid – he feared, and yet hoped, he would dream of Thorin and be with him again – but he also knew he would have to wake up alone in a cold bed and he was not sure he could bear it. But sleep he must and he went to take his leave of Thorin's sister.

"Good night, my lady," Bilbo said, coming up as she was wishing Balin good-evening. "It is time for me to find a bed and sleep."

"Bilbo," Dis replied. "I have something I want to ask you before you go. I want you to know that you would be most welcome to stay here with us for as long as you wish."

Bilbo was so touched and he felt a lump in his throat. "Thank you, Dis. But I think the time is approaching for me to return to the Shire." He didn't want to say that he was dreading it, but he couldn't deny it. Going home had been the goal for when Erebor was taken back. But now he felt like he was returning home in defeat without Thorin.

"You know that we would love to have you stay, Bilbo." Dis was not going to give up easily. "The company all agree that you are as welcome here as any dwarf returning."

"I know. And I will miss them. I will miss everyone. But without Thorin, even my friends of the company are not enough to fill the emptiness I feel.

"Thorin should be sitting on that throne and he should be ruling but instead, the man who refused to help, now has a throne that my love gave his life to reclaim." Bitterness was rising up in him and he had to try hard to push it down.

Lady Dis nodded her head in understanding. "When do you think you will be leaving, then?"

"When the marble sarcophagi are completed and Thorin, Fili and Kili are finally placed at rest, then it will be time to go."

"Then less than a month. I have already seen them and they are just finishing the last touches." Lady Dis was very somber. "I will not wish you good-bye as yet, Bilbo Baggins. I hold out hope that you may change your mind."

Bilbo knew if he stayed any longer, he would tip over the edge and lose himself to tears once more. He gave Dis a small smile and left. Bilbo took off as quickly as he could to Ori's chamber, as he had been kind enough to let Bilbo stay with him for the remainder of his stay. Bilbo was grateful to the young Dwarf and he thought, _If I cry there, it will be okay. Ori will surely understand._

* * *

Bilbo felt sick to his stomach. "It's a disgrace," Bilbo said, neither able or willing to hide his disgust and anger.

"Sadly," said Dis, "there isn't anything to be done about it.

They were standing in the Royal Tomb looking at the completed white marble sarcophagi of Thorin, Fili, and Kili. The princes' were simple without effigies, but they did have the beautiful cut Khuzdul runes circling the outside. Thorin's was magnificent as his also had the runes around the outside but his were inlaid with gold. His effigy was beautifully done and, as promised, Thranduil had returned the sword Orcrist and it was now placed in the effigy's hands.

What upset Bilbo though, was the marker at the base of the sarcophagus. In gold inlaid runes, it read …

THORIN

SON OF THRAIN, SON OF THROR

LIBERATOR OF EREBOR

"I am appalled," Bilbo continued, "that Dain did not put the title of King on his tomb marker!"

"Dain stated," Dis replied, "that since he wasn't coronated and that the kingdom was not actually restored when he died, it would be 'inappropriate' for his marker to bear the title of King."

"Dain is lucky he didn't tell me that."

"Well, originally, he didn't want to entomb Thorin here at all as he tried to use the same logic to say that only a true King should be entombed here."

"WHAT?!" Bilbo was starting to boil.

"Clearly, he changed his mind," Dis said with a smirk. "After I found out about it, I had word spread quickly through the kingdom and most people were outraged. Dain almost had a riot on his hands." At this point Dis just chuckled.

"It's bad enough that Thorin will be down here, in the dark, all alone. But to be denied the title of King!"

"I understand, Bilbo. But there isn't much to do about it. Of course, He won't be in the dark."

"What? They keep the torches lit at all times down here?"

"No, silly!" Dis teased, turning the hobbit around so that they were looking up at the ceiling behind them. "See those cut-outs in the rock up there? Those are actually small widows that use silver mirrors to reflect sunlight all the way down here."

Bilbo was amazed! "So when the Sun hits them just right, sunshine will flood the tomb?!"

"Exactly. Thorin and the boys will not be left in the dark, forgotten."

Bilbo was happier, but still beside himself. But he had to agree; there was nothing he could do. It wasn't like he could just sneak down here and …. _Oh, wait a minute_, Bilbo had a brilliant idea! He just needed to steal the key to the Royal Tomb from Dain! What could go wrong?

* * *

"I don't know," Ori said nervously, "it sounds very risky."

"Don't worry, Ori," Bilbo said soothingly. "You just get me the supplies and I will do the rest."

"Well –"

"Look," Bilbo said, pulling some parchment and a quill towards himself, "just write these words out for me in Khuzdul and get me the ink and whatever special writing instrument I need and I will get the key and do the rest. What can go wrong?"

"You could be caught and killed!" Ori cried.

"Don't worry, Ori," Bilbo said with a mischievous smile, "Dain won't even see me."

* * *

Sneaking in to the king's bedchamber had been as easy as pie. All Bilbo had to do was slip on his magic ring, follow Dain through the door and then wait for him to remove the key from his discarded belt. Actually, with the way Dain kept talking to himself and talking about how great he was, etc., etc., Bilbo felt that he could have walked right in and taken it in plain sight for all the notice Dain gave his surroundings. _Thorin would never be so careless! _ Bilbo thought. _Dain is such an idiot._

Once he had the key in hand, Bilbo raced unseen to the royal tombs. His face was hot and he knew that he was really pushing his luck, but he didn't give a damn. He was going to correct the wrong, even if he had to do it himself!

As he reached the locked door, Bilbo realized that he might walk in on a guard. Because of Orcrist, it was decided that a guard would be stationed in the tomb to make sure that it was not stolen. In the event that the blade glowed blue to indicate Orcs, the guard would alert the defenses. But Bilbo wasn't sure it there was a guard present or not. _Oh, well,_ Bilbo mused, _it will give the poor man the frights to see the door unlock and open on its own._

Upon entering, Bilbo sighted in relief – there was no guard yet stationed. He closed the door and removed the ring. He had to work quickly because if he was right, the time was almost here.

Bilbo removed his rucksack and took out the supplies that Ori had gotten from the archive; silver pen with mithril tip that could write on any surface, mithril ink and the parchment with the Khuzdul writing. Ori had even been kind enough to write under each Khuzdul word its translation in Westron so that Bilbo wouldn't make a mistake.

At that moment the light in the room began to intensify. The moon was full tonight and Bilbo had timed his arrival to coincide with the alignment of the tomb windows. Thorin's white marble marker reflected the moonlight as if it was radiating it itself. Bilbo was awestruck for a moment, but then quickly uncorked the ink bottle, placed the parchment where he could see it and dipped the pen in the ink and got to work.

He worked as quickly as he could but slowly enough to ensure nice even letters. When he was finished he sat back and looked at the change the Moon Runes had on the marker. It now read ….

THORIN

SON OF THRAIN, SON OF THROR

Beloved of Bilbo Baggins

LIBERATOR OF EREBOR

True King of Erebor

Bilbo was happier now. The marker said what should have been put there in the first place. The Moon Runes were beautiful on the white marble, between the gold inlaid Khuzdul runes.

"I wish it were more, my love," Bilbo whispered to the lifeless tomb. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Thorin's name and a few tears rolled down and splashed on the drying mithril runes. As the moon began to pass, he watched as the Moon runes slowly faded. It would only be seen if someone were down here on a full moon during the midwinter month, but Bilbo didn't care. He knew it was there. That was enough.

Bilbo repacked everything and made to leave. He placed the ring back on his finger. He opened the tomb door and then stopped to check the outer corridor. Clear; he was all set. He closed the tomb door and locked it. He just had to make his way back to Dain's chambers and replace the key. Dain would be none the wiser.

_ Bilbo …._

Bilbo spun around, swearing he heard his name. Panic hit him but there was no one there. He was tired and he knew it. _"My mind is playing tricks on me,"_ Bilbo thought. He raced up the stairwell.

He knew that the time had come. It was time to find Gandalf and leave Erebor first thing in the morning. There was nothing left for him now but pain and sorrow. He just wanted to be back at Bag End. If he had to mourn, he wanted to do it where he could be alone, with only Thorin's memory to comfort him.


	3. Anniversary

**Anniversary**

Going home was not as quick as the journey away. But this time, Bilbo was able to spend the winter months in Rivendell and learn much about the Elves. He was very happy to spend so much time reading in Elrond's library and talking with the Elves; learning their language and customs. But Bilbo could also not deny that a small part of him felt guilty. _Thorin would be so cross_, Bilbo thought many times.

Finally, as spring arrived, the time came to continue on home. On a cool spring morning, Bilbo and Gandalf left for the Shire. Along the way, they stopped to retrieved much of the gold that was buried and hidden in the Troll's cave. Bilbo had tried to give most of it to Gandalf so that it might do good elsewhere – Bilbo felt he had more than enough for his lifetime, but Gandalf said that Bilbo might have greater need than he thought. This was unsettling but Bilbo didn't argue.

It was only after arriving at home that Bilbo understood.

His cousin, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, and her husband, Otho, were in the middle of auctioning off all his possessions as she had gotten the Mayor of the Shire to declare Bilbo dead. She even went so far as to claim that the Bilbo Baggins who returned was not the real Bilbo Baggins at all but an imposter and possible shapeshifter. It didn't take long for many to realize that he was, in fact, the real Bilbo and as Lobelia was never popular because of her extreme avarice, he had only a little trouble in reacquiring most of his possessions back from those who had bought them. As Gandalf had predicted, the extra gold came in handy.

By the end of summer, Bilbo had settled back in Bag End and there were only a few of his parents' antiques left to reclaim. The most satisfying thing was how as the months wore on, more and more people turned on Lobelia whenever she tried to gossip about "poor Mister Bilbo" behind his back. Sure, Bilbo was now seen as "odd," "queer" or even "unrespectable," but most just stated that it was the fault of the journey and used it as an example of why one should not go looking for adventures. Frankly, Bilbo just didn't care anymore. He had faced trolls, Orcs, Wargs, giant spiders and a dragon – he could deal with Lobelia and a bit of gossip.

It did help though, when Dwarf friends and Elves who past through would stop for a visit. In fact, it had been that first summer home that Gandalf had paid a call and brought along Balin.

Bilbo and Balin fell into talking of the rebuilding and how wonderful everything was going. Thanks to Lady Dis and the company, Dain was stopped from soiling Thorin's memory and much that had been envisioned by Thorin came to fruition.

Before leaving though, Balin presented Bilbo with the map used by Thorin on their quest. Bilbo was touched and he could not help but run his hands gently over the thick parchment, trying to find any trace of Thorin's touch still clinging to it. Bilbo had the map framed and it hung over the fireplace with his sword, Sting, which Elrond had inscribed after hearing the tales of battling giant spiders in the Mirkwood Forest.

Even with the visits of friends and travelers, he kept to himself and Bilbo could not deny he was lonely. It was his Took nieces and nephews who defied their elders and came to seek out "Uncle Bilbo" and learn of his adventures! He thanked Eru daily for the children.

"Tell us about your adventures!" They would ask and plead no matter how many times they had all heard it before. Bilbo was touched and more often than not, he would give them all muffins and cakes, cups of steaming hot cocoa and sit them all in front of the hearth and tell it again. But of course, Bilbo didn't tell them everything.

"Once upon a time, there lived a very respectable Hobbit." _Who was so lonely and had no one to love._

_ "_And one night, twelve dwarrow knocked on his door." _They were all so wonderful and I was such a fool not to see their worth right away. They were the best friends anyone could ask for._

"Then a Wizard showed up." _A Wizard who was not only a dear friend, but who saw in me all the things I couldn't see myself._

"Suddenly there was another knock at the door, and it was the Dwarf king!" _He was so handsome and brave and there was so much pain in his heart and I loved him almost on sight but I was just too blind to see it._

"They sang a song about their lost home." _My heart ached just hearing Thorin's voice and I wanted to rush to him and hold him close but I was afraid and I let my fears guide me that night._

"When I woke in the morning, they were all gone, but I decided to follow them." _No choice really. I was overwhelmed with the emotion of emptiness and I still could not see Thorin for all that he was and what I was starting to feel for him, but I knew I had to run out my door after him and hope I wasn't too late._

"We traveled for weeks and then came to see the Elves." _Thorin was so resistant to let them help. I saw and felt the pain and anguish in him and again I had the urge to rush to him; to help him, to comfort him, but I thought I was not what he wanted._

"On the mountainside we were caught in a giant's battle!" _I thought I would die and then Thorin jumped to save me as I began to fall. I thought he was angry with me and he didn't want me near him, but it was only later that the truth came out._

"We were caught by goblins and their king. but we all escaped!" _Falling down into the pit of the mountain, my only thought was that Thorin might be hurt. Down I went and the further I got from him, the more my heart feared._

"We were then cornered by Orcs and Wargs but we escaped on giant Eagles!" _ I could barely breathe watching the Pale Orc's warg toss Thorin around like a toy. I was scared, but not for me, I was frightened Thorin would die and I knew, in that terrible moment, I was in love with him and I would gladly die to protect him._

"The Eagles took as to a giant rock where we were safe." _Relief cannot begin to describe all that I was feeling at that moment. Even when Thorin stood and yelled at me, I was happy because I would rather have his wrath, than lose him completely. And then he said he was wrong; sorry to have doubted me and he drew me to him. I thought my heart would burst from joy._

"We rested and bathed at that point." _Thorin and I had found ourselves alone in the river bathing; the others having finished and gone back to the camp. We were standing close to each other and we both caught the others' eye. He moved to stand before me and reached out his hand, brushed the hair off my forehead and thanked me again for saving him. I could only smile and tell him that I would gladly do it all again. It was then, as he looked at me anew, that he pulled me close and kissed me. He told me that he had worried about me since leaving Rivendell and that in the mountains, he was not angry with me, but angry with himself; for he thought he might have lost me and it scared him. There is no word to describe the bliss and elation I felt. I knew then what it was to be complete._

"We stayed with a skin-changer who could turn into a giant bear!" _Thorin was so shy talking with me. It was so endearing. But I found out later part of him was afraid; not only that I would see all his flaws but that when we did make it to Erebor, I would have to face Smaug the Terrible on my own – he feared for my life and felt guilty for having to send me in. We slept close to each other that night – no one noticed or at least didn't care._

"Then the company got taken by the Elves and I had to battle giant spiders to rescue them." _My only thought was to get to Thorin, to make sure he was safe. I needed him and at the moment, he needed me. I couldn't and wouldn't let him down. When he saw me, he was worried for me, for my safety; feared the Elves would harm me if they caught me. I loved him all the more for his concern._

_ "_Then we reached the Lonely Mountain and I played a riddle game with the dragon so I could find his weakness." _I was determined to find Smaug's weakness, anything to end his rule of the mountain and return Thorin to his rightful place. I wanted so much to do something, anything, to prove my love to him._

"Then the dragon was dead but the Gold-Sickness took the king and he was driven mad with it!" _By Eru, it was awful. Thorin could not be reasoned with and he all but forgot me in the madness that took him. I feared it would lead to his downfall, or worse, his death. I found and hid the Arkenstone from him. I made the choice to keep it from him to help him, never realizing I was making a grave mistake._

"The King no longer recognized friend from foe." _He tried to kill me in his madness and anger; throwing me over the wall and hanging me by my collar and bellowing at me; cursing and denouncing me as a thief and liar. Something in me broke because he looked at me in pain and grief and madness and he was no longer my Thorin and I could only plead and beg him to stop and come back to me. I should have done something else. I should have tried another way. I should have done more but I was a fool._

"Then the Orcs and Wargs attacked and it was them against the armies of Men, Elves and Dwarrow." _I was fighting along with the Elves but I so desperately wanted to be with Thorin and fight by his side. I wanted to show him that I would gladly give my life to aid and protect him; to show him I still loved him. But in the end, I failed and he was the one that gave up his life. He called for me before he died and we both asked for forgiveness, but all I wanted was more time; more time to live, more time to laugh, more time to speak, more time to love – but time was the one thing we could not give each other._

"But there was victory and I returned home to Bag End!" _I returned home with more gold than I could count but I was more alone and empty than when I started on my journey, for I had lost my heart and the man I loved. I lost him because I betrayed him and now I am punished by the Gods to be without him, always._

"Uncle Bilbo, Uncle Bilbo!" They would shout. "Tell us again." And each time the story got more elaborate and Bilbo's heart would die a little more. The real story too pain to tell, too sorrowful to admit. He kept to himself. He ignored the rumors and went about his business. There was nothing else to it.

As the winter set in and the first anniversary of the battle approached, Bilbo withdrew into his comfortable home and dreamed of a time when the world was brighter; when he had love right in the palm of his hand.

It was getting colder and the winter was setting in much earlier this year. Bilbo hoped another Fell Winter was not approaching. It would mean lean hard times for those Hobbits less fortunate, but Bilbo already had plans to help those who needed it. He was not going to let anyone starve if he could help it and he made sure his pantry was well stocked and ready if a midday meal or supper needed to be offered. He had failed Thorin; he wanted to make sure he didn't fail anyone again.

By mid-winter month, the frost dusted the windows and the darkness set in early. Bilbo started going to bed earlier. He would feel tired from the cold and just wanted to sleep. He would check the windows, lock the doors and blow out all the candles save one and head to bed.

On one such night, he chose a book on Elvish recipes and headed to the bedroom. Once changed, he climbed into bed and snuggled down to read.

_"Bilbo …"_

Bilbo sat very still. He could swear he had heard his name. But he dismissed it. _It's the wind, you silly Hobbit_.

_"Bilbo …"_

Like a whisper on the wind, Bilbo could not tell where it was coming from. "Hello?" He called out. "Is there someone there?" There was no response, other than the low moan of the wind outside_. I must be more tired than I know_, Bilbo thought and leaned over to blow out the candle.

_"Bilbo … come to me …"_

The hair on the back of Bilbo's neck stood up. He knew he heard it.

He slowly peeled back the covers, put on his robe, took the candle in hand and ventured out into the darkened hallway. Nothing. He peeked into the rooms he passed as he crept towards the front hall. He peered around the corner but there was still saw nothing. He silently kicked himself for hanging Sting above the front fireplace but he had his magic ring and he clutched it in his free hand, just in case.

He tiptoed his way to the front door and checked – it was locked. Nothing. He started to feel foolish. _Just the wind_, he thought and laughed at himself. _Maybe all those Hobbits are right – you are Mad Bilbo Baggins._ He began to turn back when something in the front parlor caught the his eye. He turned his head to look and froze. As his face drained of color, so too did his mind drain of rational thought.

There in the moonlight streaming through the large parlor window was Thorin; but he was not Thorin. It was as if he was made of smoke. Bilbo could see the kitchen through him.

Bilbo couldn't move. Never in all his life had he seen such a sight and there was a rushing in his ears. _Insane, you've gone insane Bilbo Baggins, it can't be, it just can't be._ But there Thorin stood, or rather his ghost did.

When Bilbo did not move or say a word, Thorin came towards him. Bilbo heard the subtle groan and creak of the wooden floor with each step and Thorin's belt buckles clinked together and sounded like faint bells in the far-off distance. Bilbo began to shake as Thorin drew nearer but he was rooted to the spot and finally, the spirit reached out to stroke Bilbo's face.

_"Bilbo … I have missed you so …"_

Bilbo was trembling but not from fear. The echo of Thorin's touch on his skin felt cool like a whispered breeze along his cheek. Another touch move through his hair. He closed his eyes and he heard Thorin whisper in his ear.

_"I am bound to you Bilbo … I can feel your pain and your love … they fill me completely … I am with you, my love …"_

Bilbo let out a low moan. He couldn't believe what was clearly happening but he could not deny the longing and passion rising, taking over his being; his very soul. Thorin's touch was moving over him and he was losing himself in it. But he didn't care.

"Oh, Thorin!" Bilbo whispered. "What is happening?!"

_"You summoned me … bound me to you …"_

"What do you mean? I don't understand." Bilbo was becoming lightheaded. He could feel Thorin's touch through his clothes and it was moving ever lower, seeking that which Bilbo had only ever shared with Thorin in the living world.

_"Whatever you did … you brought me forth … you made me a part of you … I am bound to your soul, Bilbo …"_

"What … what are you saying?" Bilbo's head was being turned and he felt the brush of lips against his neck. He was becoming intoxicated and the emotions coming from Thorin's spirit merged with his own and they were overwhelming him, but again, Bilbo didn't care. _If this is what it means to drown, then let me go under._

_ "From the blackness of death … you summoned me … I could feel the pull of your pain and love … I could hear your voice like an echo … you wished it was more …"_

Bilbo's eyes flew open and with his head turned, he saw the full moon shining through the window and heard an echo of his own voice in his head … _"I wish it was more, my love."_

O_h by Eru, what did I do?_ Full moon … mid-winter month … the silver runes upon Thorin's tomb marker … his tears; tears splashing and merging with the drying runes.

"The Moon Runes!" Bilbo was shocked.

_"Moon runes are more than runes … they are filled with a magic of their own … they are rarely used because of their power … you have bound me to your soul … what you feel, I feel … "_

Bilbo thought his heart would stop. "Thorin!" Bilbo was horrified. "Oh Thorin, I am so sorry! I only wanted to … I didn't mean to …"

_"I beg you, Bilbo … Do not despair … I can feel your sorrow and pain … I feel what you feel … remember … remember your love … for me …"_

Bilbo took the words to heart and tried to dispel his guilt at what he had done. _Feel passion; remember; remember love, _he told himself. And as the echo within him roared to life, he felt Thorin's spirit grow stronger; grow more urgent; become one with him.

_"I have longed for you, Bilbo … I want you … I want to be with you …"_

"Oh, Thorin! I love you so much!" Bilbo felt ghostly arms embrace and stroke him; his mind reeled at the sensations spreading over his body. Suddenly it all faded. Thorin's spirit was not there. "No! Don't go! Please!"

_"Bilbo … come to me …"_

Bilbo heard the voice behind him. He turned and ran down the hall.

_"Bilbo …"_

Thorin's spirit called and Bilbo followed, back to his bedroom. There in the moonlight, Thorin's spirit stood waiting. Bilbo did not wait to be told but undressed and lay upon the bed and in that moment he was engulfed. The spirit was everywhere at once and Bilbo felt hands, kisses, pure pleasure all over, all at once. All his hopes and dreams of the past rushed to the present and he was with Thorin, finally and completely in a way he never thought possible.

_"Feel love, Bilbo … let it consume your soul … for I have longed for you … even in this dull and colorless world … you are the only bright thing I see …"_

Something in Bilbo surfaced; a memory. Dull and colorless world.

"Wait!" Bilbo cried. "What do you mean by that? What world?"

_"I am in-between … neither the void of death … nor the light of living …"_

"Oh my -" Bilbo reached for his robe and removed the magic ring. "Thorin. Show yourself to me."

_"I am here, my love …"_

Thorin's spirit materialized in front of Bilbo as he knelt on the bed. Bilbo gave Thorin's spirit a small smile. _This is crazy. Can it be this simple? _Bilbo thought as he slipped the ring on his finger.

The world of the living faded to a dull and colorless mist around him and Bilbo watched as Thorin grew more solid. Not whole. but it was near impossible to see through him.

Thorin's eyes widened. _"How is this possible? What sort of magic is this?"_

"I don't know," Bilbo said, beyond surprised, "and I don't care!"

They both looked at the other; afraid to believe. Without words, they slowly raised their hands and reached for each other. Neither could, nor would, stop. Come what may, they reached.

And then, they touched.

Like the feeling of water or silk; there was no solidity but there was substance. Without another word, they were in each other's arms. They pulled each other tightly together. Their mouths met and their world was nothing but touch and emotion. Thorin rained kisses over Bilbo's face and neck, pushing him back and lying upon him. Bilbo could felt Thorin's passion grow and expand, like his own, and it covered Bilbo like a wave; he wanted to drown in it. Thorin held Bilbo's wrists above Bilbo's head; wanting to possess, wanting to conquer and Bilbo surrendered. Bilbo grew hard and his sex was ready. He had never felt passion like this and he reveled in it. Thorin only continued to match and meet Bilbo's desires and urges.

"Take me, Thorin," Bilbo cried, "claim me please!"

Thorin needed no other command and soon his hands were running over Bilbo's body and down between his legs, encompassing Bilbo's member. Thorin's kisses moving down his chest. Bilbo was getting closer and closer and wasn't sure if he could hold back his climax, but he didn't want it to end. He wanted to stay like this forever; never let Thorin go. But Thorin was not slowing and it was not long before Bilbo's breath grew heavier and ragged and his thoughts were blown away like seeds in the wind.

"Thorin!" Bilbo cried as he could not hold back any longer and his climax shot from him over and over until all thought was of pleasure and lightness. Bilbo felt Thorin's emotions surge through him and Thorin growled like a bear as Bilbo's orgasm filled his soul.

"I love you, Thorin. With all my heart and soul, I love you."

_"And I you, Bilbo. And I know your heart and soul; for I am one with them."_

The rest of the night was filled with love, and twice more Bilbo was brought to passion's climax. There were not words for him to describe the love that they shared.

But it was not to last.

As the morning approached, Bilbo felt Thorin's spirit grow weaker; thinner in his arms.

_"I must leave you now, my sweet Hobbit."_ Thorin sounded pained and his face betrayed sorrow.

"No!" Bilbo was near frantic. "You can't go!"

_"I must. I have only this night and then, as the moon sets, I must go."_

"But I can wear the ring always if I need too!"

_"It is nothing to do with your ring or you. I am tied to the moon just as the runes on my tomb marker are. As the moon sets, and the runes fade, so do I."_

Bilbo suddenly understood and was again horrified. "Does that mean –" Bilbo started.

_"Look for me, my love, with the rising of the first full moon of the mid-winter month. I will return and we will be together."_

"No, Thorin!" Bilbo began to sob. "Please, stay with me!"

_"Good-bye my love … look for me … in the moonlight … and know, I love you. Always …" _

Thorin faded. and grief, like a wound long thought healed, ripped open in Bilbo like a great chasm and his pain and sorrow overwhelmed him. He lay on the bed; his ring slipped from his finger and Bilbo found himself alone and cold in the rising dawn.


	4. Birthday

**09/22/2946**

_Wind through the trees has to be one of the most beautiful sounds,_ Bilbo thought. _Of course, there is also the splash of water from a waterfall or the crunch of leaves when you walk through the forest. Or the sound of a heartbeat, beating in time with one's own._

He slowed for just a moment on that thought. A dull ache pulled in his chest and he took a few deep breaths before straightening up and continuing on his way.

Heading back to Bag End from his four day outing was a bit anticlimactic, but Bilbo knew he shouldn't stay away too long lest he forget Lobelia and her ever-present desire to get her hands on his home. He just needed to get away every now and then and a few days in the wild, even if it was only the wild and forests of the Shire, was just the thing to settle him. Even after five years home, he still missed the travels he took to Erebor.

Erebor. How he misses it. He still got letters from the company but they came less frequently now. The feelings and sentiments were all there and everyone asked him to return for a visit, but all their lives had gone on and unfortunately it left little time for writing. Bilbo wrote back as soon as he received the letters but it took so long for them to be delivered and he knew the company was busy with work and family. Still, he was happy for them. Well, almost happy.

Bilbo had to stop for a minute and he sat on a large rock on the side of the trail. It was the moments where he thought about Erebor that he would eventually think about Thorin and dream of the life they might have had together. Would they be happy? Yes, he was sure they would have been. Would they have married? Yes, he was sure of that too. Would the dwarrow accept him as consort even thought he was not a dwarf? He hoped so. Ultimately, he didn't care about anything; he just wished he had had the chance to just find out.

_Don't be mawkish, Bilbo Baggins. You can't change what has happened and frankly, you have done more than you should have and you know it. _As always, the river of thought that was "What ifs" turned to guilt over how he had trapped Thorin's spirit to him. But a greedy part of himself would snake up within and whisper that at least he had him one night a year and asked him that very dreaded question – _would you do it again if you knew then what you know now? _Bilbo didn't like that question because he was sure that the answer would be yes.

Twilight was fast approaching and Bilbo knew that he was still hours away; he wouldn't arrive home until the wee hours of the morning. His reputation was already ruined but the idea of tiptoeing through Hobbiton in the middle of the night would only add to the whispers and looks. He didn't really care, but he just didn't want his neighbors, _those nosy busy-bodies and their gossip_, following him around; it annoyed him. He had just gotten to the point where he was starting to be ignored when out and about in town and he liked that. _Just leave me alone and go about your own bloody business._

No, he would make camp, cook the last of his small provisions and bunk down for the night. He looked around for a nice tree that had a fat branch close to the ground but high enough for observing. Even in the Shire, there was no point in not taking precautions; Thorin taught him that.

Finally, settling on a nice spot just off the path, and cleaning up the remains of his dinner and putting out the fire, Bilbo climbed the tree he chose and settled into the crook of the limb and the tree. It was perfect.

As the night closed in and the sounds of crickets could be heard around him, he lazily watched the fireflies in the distance and his mind wandered to another time and place when another tree limb held the most precious of treasures.

* * *

_The climb down from the top of The Carrock was difficult. Thorin was on his feet but the going was slow. By the time they had reached the bottom, it was late afternoon and since there was a small river nearby, it was decided they should make camp and rest. They could all bathe and get a decent sleep and then be off first thing in the morning. _

_ Bilbo was the least tired of them all. Yes, he had fallen into the heart of the mountain and riddled with that insane creature, but he had not had to run to escape from goblins and then also battle Orcs. As such, he insisted that he stay behind and set up camp while the others partook of the river. Truth be told, however, he was glad to do it because this meant he would have some privacy when bathing himself. It was not that he was ashamed or even shy, but the idea of fourteen males all bathing together in close quarters was a bit much for him to take. No, he would set up camp, bathe and when he returned, supper would be ready and all would be fine._

_ Gandalf stayed with him and helped here and there, but Bilbo had insisted on doing most of it himself. This was as much a courtesy to the wizard as it was a stalling tactic for Bilbo. But then Gandalf starting talking about what had happened and asking very pointed questions!_

_ "That was a very brave thing you did, Bilbo," Gandalf said, sitting on a large boulder at one side of their camp._

_ "What do you mean?" Bilbo asked, uncomfortable._

_ "You ran at that Orc like a man possessed. You saved Thorin's life."_

_ "Oh – well, someone had to do it. I mean, I was just the closest."_

_ "Really? Are you sure you were the closest?"__  
__ Now that Bilbo thought about it, he couldn't say. "Well, I – I think I was the closest." He had just stood up, unsheathed his sword, took a deep breath and run. However, his ears were getting warm and he started to feel embarrassed. "What difference does it make? Thorin needed me." _

_ Gandalf raised an eyebrow. _

_ "I mean - not me, in particular, but – but someone needed to go and I was – it was me." Bilbo's ears were getting hotter and his face flushed as well._

_Gandalf just looked at him expressionlessly for a moment or two – or ten – before relieving Bilbo of the silence. "As you say, someone had to do it and I still believe you were very brave to do it. Foolish perhaps, but brave nonetheless."_

_ "Foolish?" Bilbo felt a sting to his pride for a moment._

_ "I mean no disrespect, nor do I mean to belittle your act," Gandalf said, a small smile playing on his lips. "It's just that you haven't even trained with your blade, and yet you went headlong into a band of Orcs, killed one of them and then stood in front of Thorin to shield him. One might call that foolish."_

_ "Yes, well – I can see where one might get that impression." Bilbo avoided Gandalf's gaze._

_ "It does make one wonder as to the things that drive someone to be so foolish," Gandalf said quietly. _

_ At that, Bilbo turned slowly and stared wide-eyed at the wizard, who had a glint in his eye that made Bilbo's skin prickle all over. Bilbo had the most extraordinary feeling that Gandalf could see through him._

_ Suddenly there was laughter and movement, and Bilbo turned around to see the company heading back. He thanked Eru for the distraction. The camp was set up and everything was ready for supper to be started; now would be a very good time to take his leave and bathe. He headed to the river without a word to Gandalf._

_ There was a small rocky inlet surrounded by trees. It was the perfect spot for privacy and bathing. Bilbo quickly stripped off his clothes, and walked into the water. It was cool but not cold and it seemed to ease every ache and pain. It wasn't deep enough to be unsafe but was perfect for soaking. Bilbo was so relaxed and the water so blissful that he didn't realize he wasn't alone._

_ He heard a small splash behind him and as he turned, Bilbo saw Thorin emerge from the water, obviously having gone completely under. He stared as Thorin stood up, his back to Bilbo. Thorin's hair hung heavy with water halfway down his back, the water making the sable color even darker so that the silver streaks stood out bold in the black. It was the man's back that caught Bilbo's attention; broad and stout; although Thorin was still quite trim for a dwarf. Bilbo could see the large, horseshoe-shaped bruise on Thorin's left side made by Azog's Warg. Dark hair dusted the sides of his back, and his shoulders and arms were quite hairy, all in the same sable colored hair as his head. Bilbo was struck by the sheer masculinity of the dwarf and suddenly, for the first time in his life, felt self-conscious of his very smooth chest and downy covered arms. Thorin had a thick pelt of hair on his muscular chest and stomach and Bilbo was reminded of a bear. _

_ As the image of Thorin's chest played in his mind, Bilbo realized that Thorin had not just turned around and was staring at him, but had said something as well!_

_ "I'm sorry," Bilbo said, wide-eyed. "What did you say?"_

_ Thorin had an amused look on his face. "I said, 'Hello.'"_

_ "Oh – hello." Bilbo's ears turned bright red._

_ "Twice." Thorin said with a raised eyebrow._

_ "Sorry. I was – uhm – I was – thinking of something else."_

_ "Clearly." Thorin now smiled outright._

_ "I guess, I should give you your privacy – I should go." Bilbo made to leave._

_ "Please, stay,"_

_ "All right." Bilbo turned back but found it hard to look at Thorin directly. The water came up to just below Bilbo's armpits and he was grateful it was high enough to hide the warmth he was feeling below the surface. It occurred to him that this was the first time he had been alone with Thorin, ever._

_ "I was told that you not only saved me from that Orc," Thorin said as he slowly walked over to Bilbo, "but that you stood between me and Azog. You actually raised your sword to protect me as I lay unaware."_

_ Hearing echoes of his conversation with Gandalf in his head, Bilbo said "I had no choice, really."_

_ "On the contrary. You could have chosen to stay put and not come to assist me at all. You could have let Azog have me and save yourself. After I'd treated you so poorly, you still choose to shield me." Thorin's voice had gone to almost a whisper and there was no malice or accusation in his voice. "Why, Bilbo?"_

_ Bilbo wasn't sure what to say, but he had the strangest feeling that he wasn't being asked for just any answer but for a specific one. He wanted to say anyone would have done it or that it was only the right thing to do, but neither answer was quite true. He finally had to admit to himself the truth, but he couldn't find the words. In fact, Bilbo could not find any words at the moment. He began to shiver, but not from the cold; there was only an arm's length between them now, and he was overwhelmed by Thorin's presence._

_ Thorin reached out and brushed the curled bangs off Bilbo's forehead. "One could say that what you did was very foolish." Thorin let his hand cup Bilbo's face; his thumb gently rubbed the hobbit's cheek. _

_ Bilbo leaned into Thorin's hand; he wanted this, needed it. "I can see where one might get that impression."_

_ "But then, one would have to wonder what would drive you to be so foolish," Thorin whispered, leaning down so that his face was only a few inches from Bilbo's._

_ "I would gladly do it all again," Bilbo whispered._

_ Thorin didn't say a word, he just smiled and moved his hand to the nape of Bilbo's neck and drew the Hobbit into a kiss. Bilbo closed his eyes and moaned as he wrapped his arms gently around Thorin, drawing the Dwarf in closer. Thorin responded in kind and wrapped his arms around Bilbo, resting one hand over the small of Bilbo's back and the other between his shoulders so that there was no escape for the Hobbit; not that Bilbo had any intention of going anywhere._

_ For several long minutes that seemed an eternity – Bilbo couldn't recall later – there was nothing else in the world, there was only Thorin. As the kiss deepened, there was more than just passion or lust, there was need and want, desire and tenderness. Thorin seemed to touch his very soul and Bilbo finally knew he had found a part of himself that he hadn't even known was missing._

_ As the kiss came to an end, Thorin didn't release Bilbo but pulled him into a warm embrace, cradling his head against his chest like one would a child. Bilbo gladly nestled his cheek in Thorin's chest, relishing the feel of the soft hair. _

_ "You know, I have worried for you since Rivendell." Thorin said, running his fingers through Bilbo's curls._

_ "Worried? Why?" Bilbo said, pulling back to look Thorin in the eye._

_ "I knew by then that you were more to me than just a member of the company. I feared losing you on many levels. But, if I can be so bold, I must admit, I believe I loved you the moment I met you."_

_ "Why didn't you –"_

_ Someone was approaching and Bilbo instinctively moved back, away from Thorin, while looking in the direction of the sound. The footfalls were fast but didn't sound rushed or urgent. Bilbo looked back to Thorin, fearing he might have upset him by moving away but Thorin took two steps back, putting more distance between them while casting Bilbo a smile and a small wink. It was just a temporary separation._

_ They both turned towards the approaching footfalls and Kili came into view._

_ "Oh, good," the young dwarf said, "I had hoped you would both be here!"_

_ "Why not make more noise, Kili," Thorin said bluntly. "I think there may be some trolls about ten leagues away that didn't hear you coming."_

_ "Oh, I – uhm – sorry," Kili said, looking embarrassed. "Just, Bombur wanted me to find you and tell you that the food is almost ready."_

_ Thorin sighed, and then looked from Kili to Bilbo and back. "Thank you."_

_ Bilbo didn't say anything only looked at Kili and nodded. Kili gave Bilbo a worried look but left much quicker than he had come._

_ Thorin closed the distance between Bilbo and himself. "I will wait until you are finished and they we can head back together."_

_ "Oh – I don't want to cause you embarrassment or anything. I can wait for a bit and then return."_

_ The dwarf king lifted Bilbo's chin and gave him a quick kiss. "What the others think is of little concern to me. I do not want to leave you alone and vulnerable."_

_ Bilbo was touched by the thought. "Give me just a few minutes." He quickly went under to get wet and then rubbed his hands over his body to wash what he could off. He had lost his rucksack in the goblin's lair so he had no soap to wash off with. But he did his best before climbing out and dressing. Thorin, however, was having some difficulties due to his injuries and Bilbo hurried to help him dress. Within five minutes, they were ready._

_ When they arrived everyone was eating and chatting and no one seemed to notice anything unusual. Thorin sat with Balin and Dwalin and began to discuss the next day's travel plans. Bilbo grabbed a bit of roasted rabbit and sat on the opposite side of the fire from Thorin. He began to eat but was soon joined by Kili._

_ "Are you all right?" Kili said just above a whisper. The young dwarf prince had a very concerned look on his face._

_ "Yes, I am fine," Bilbo replied, feeling nervous. "Why do you ask?"_

_ "Well, Uncle seemed a bit … annoyed, when I came to find you. I thought he might be giving it to you."_

_ Bilbo felt the color blossom on his cheeks but he was able to keep his voice steady. "No."_

_ "Oh, good. You know how hard he gets." Bilbo almost choked on his rabbit and Kili hit on the back a couple of times. Everyone looked at Bilbo and Thorin actually stood up._

_ "Are you all right, Master Baggins?" Thorin asked._

_ "Yes," Bilbo said hoarsely. "Fine. Just went down the wrong way."_

_ "Be careful!" Kili said. "You shouldn't put such a big piece of meat in your mouth all at once."_

_ Bilbo turned beet red and felt his ears burn as well. He could have sworn he saw Thorin suppress a smirk._

_ When the meal was over and everything was cleaned up. Most of the dwarves just relaxed and chatted by the fire. Having finished with planning, Thorin announced that he would take the early evening watch. Many protested, Bilbo the loudest, but he insisted and went off a ways by himself. _

_ As the night descended, Bilbo took the opportunity to sneak off and look for Thorin. He figured he was pressing his luck but he couldn't resist the chance; even if it was just to chat or be near him. Now that there seemed to be an understanding, Bilbo didn't want to miss any time he could spend with Thorin._

_ Bilbo didn't see him anywhere and yet he knew he had gone off in the right direction. He was about to head back when what he sought called to him._

_ "Are you lost, Master Baggins?" Thorin said softly_

_ Bilbo turned around and for a moment didn't see anything. But his gaze went up and there was Thorin, perched in a tree, resting on a fat limb, his back to the trunk._

_ "Not any more," Bilbo said brightly. _

_ Thorin smiled warmly and grabbed a smaller branch above his head and then leaned down to offer a hand. Bilbo had to almost reach on tiptoe, but once his hand was firmly in the dwarf's, Thorin pulled him up effortlessly, placing Bilbo on the limb in front of him. Turning, Bilbo pressed his back to Thorin's chest and the dwarf wrapped his arms and coat about the small hobbit, both finding that the fit was perfect and comfortable._

_ The cool breeze caressed Bilbo's face but he was so warm and content. He felt the rise and fall of Thorin's chest and it made him feel secure. _

_ "I could easily fall asleep like this," Bilbo said dreamily._

_ Thorin kissed the point of one of Bilbo's ears. "Then sleep," he whispered. "I will keep you safe."_

_ "I said, I could sleep, not I want to." Bilbo had no intention of missing a moment of this closeness. It felt so right and so fated that he had to wonder how in the world he had not realized his feelings for Thorin for what they were. But he did have a question. "Thorin." The dwarf hummed in response and Bilbo continued. "Why didn't you tell me sooner about how you felt?"_

_ Thorin was quiet for a few seconds before answering, "Doubt and fear."_

_ "I don't believe you," Bilbo said, with a frown. "You are the bravest person I have ever known!"_

_ Thorin chuckled but wore a smile. "I believe you may be biased at this point."_

_ "Maybe."_

_ "No, little one, I cannot lie to you. It was indeed doubt and fear. I have gone so long without happiness, without love, that when I did feel it, it was strange to me. I felt it almost from the moment I looked into your eyes; a stirring within me. But I pushed it away. I grew angry with myself for these odd feelings that I suddenly had no control of and in turn, I took that anger out on you."_

_ All of Thorin's snide remarks and snarky comments now made sense to Bilbo. _

_ "It was in Rivendell," Thorin continued, "that I came to understand. You were so easy and open with the Elves. I felt something else, something ugly to be truthful; jealousy. It dawned on me. I was falling in love with you and I didn't want to share you. I feared that you would leave the company and stay behind with them._

_ "In the mountains, I feared losing you to death and my anger was at myself for putting you in that danger. Once again, I directed my anger at the one being I shouldn't have. When we made it through the Goblins, I told Gandalf you had turned back; that you were long gone. But to be honest, I was simply trying to convince myself that you were not dead because that was actually my fear. That I had failed you."_

_ "You didn't fail me," Bilbo said, twisting so that he could wrap his arms around Thorin's waist and rest his head on the dwarf's chest. "You could never have predicted any of that!"_

_ "When I asked you why you came back," Thorin said thickly, "you humbled me with your words." He cradled Bilbo's head and rested his cheek in the hobbit's curly hair. "I have treated you so poorly and all because of my ignorant doubt and fear."_

_ "I wish you had told me sooner, Thorin."_

_ That brought a chuckle from the dwarf. "Would you have believed me if I had fallen to my knees in Bag End and confessed love to you?"_

_ Bilbo couldn't deny it. "No, but –"_

_ "Would you have believed me if I had pulled you into my arms in Rivendell and pleaded with you to stay with me always?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Of course not. To use your own words, I would have doubted me too!" Thorin laughed and it reverberated through Bilbo which made him laugh as well. "I am lucky you didn't slap my face when I kissed you."_

_ "Oh no," Bilbo said, "I wanted that kiss. I knew I felt something for you that night in Bag End too, but I was not sure either. You touched me with your sad song and I had this urge to run and comfort you._

_ "When I awoke and you were gone, my only thought was that I wanted to prove myself to you. I wasn't sure why, but I would be lying if I said you were not the first thing on my mind._

_ "Then, you were attacked by Azog; I had no other thought than to protect you." Bilbo said, his mind replaying the nightmarish scene. "I would have given my life for you if needed."_

_ Bilbo was pulled up into a deep kiss and all he could hear was the rushing in his ears. There was so much he wanted to say to Thorin, but words would have been meaningless, would never be able to convey all that his heart ached to say._

_ "Okay you two," came a deep rumble from below, "break it up."_

_ Bilbo moved back so fast that Thorin had to steady himself quickly or they both would have gone down. As soon as he knew they were both safe, Thorin shot Dwalin a dark look that only made the battle-scarred dwarf laugh._

_ "You should announce yourself before sneaking up on people!" Thorin spit out._

_ "I doubt it would have mattered," Dwalin drawled. "A Troll could have knocked this tree down before either of you would have noticed."_

_ Thorin lowered Bilbo to the ground and then followed. Bilbo busied himself straightening his clothes to avoid having Dwalin see his blushing face. But when he finally looked up, both dwarfs were just staring at each other and Bilbo couldn't help but look back and forth between the two of them like watching a game of toss the pumpkin._

_ Finally, Dwalin made to break the silence. "So, how long -." Dwalin started._

_ "Don't start." Thorin growled, narrowing his gaze._

_ "What?!" Dwalin asked, smirking._

_ "Just don't. I'm warning you!" Thorin held his unblinking stare._

_ "All right." Dwalin chuckled but put his hands up. "I am just here to take over guard duty." _

_ Bilbo decided it was time to make an exit. "I am going to – to head back." He went to turn but Thorin's voice stopped him._

_ "Wait. I will go with you." Thorin straightened his coat as Dwalin swung himself up onto the tree limb they had just vacated. "You shouldn't be wandering alone in the dark." Throin placed a hand in the middle of the hobbit's back to steer him along gently._

_ "Yeah," Dwalin's voice drifted after them, "you might meet a grumpy dwarf who wants his way with you!" Dwalin roared with laughter as Thorin just closed his eyes and made a low guttural growl. _

_ When they got back to camp, most of the company was asleep with only Gandalf, Balin and Ori being awake. They were talking to each other and only gave Thorin and Bilbo a passing acknowledgement before turning back to each other. This surprised Bilbo, he had expected – well, he wasn't sure what he expected really; shocked surprise, indignant looks, maybe a smirk or a dung-eating grin from Gandalf. He just laughed to himself in the end. Clearly if they thought anything odd, they didn't care and if they cared, they didn't think it odd._

_ They chose a spot further away from the fire and settled down next to each other. Thorin threw his traveling cloak over them both and wrapped a lazy arm over Bilbo's waist. It was gentle and welcoming and the hobbit had beautiful dreams of sunshine and fields and lying in the tall grass, wrapped in the arms of a king._

* * *

It was just past noon when Bilbo reached Hobbiton. The tiny burgh hummed with activity of a normal day; gardens tended, cows and goats milked, a small crowd gathered outside the Green Dragon talking of the latest news. Bilbo smiled and nodded at those he passed. A few souls ventured good morning to him but most just acknowledged his non-verbal salutations with one of their own and went about their business. Still viewed as suspicious but that was fine for Bilbo. _At least the bloody whispering had stopped!_

As he made his way up the hill to Bag End, he saw smoke rising from his chimney. He felt a moment of panic that he had left a fire burning, or Eru forbid, the smial was on fire! But that feeling was almost immediately squashed; if he had left the fire burning, the place would already be ash – he had been gone for four days. And if by chance the fire was just smoldering, smelling up the entire house with smoke, well there wasn't much he could do about it now but clean up the mess. Frankly, he realized that he just didn't care one way or the other.

But as he made it to the door, he also saw that some of the windows were open and that the flowerpot he used to hide the spare key had been turned around the other way; someone was in his house! _That bitch, Lobelia! If I catch her with any more spoons in her pocket or one more of my mother's books, I will use Sting to skin her alive!_ He unsheathed the Eleven sword and prepared himself.

Bilbo came through the door almost at a run. "Who is here?!" He shouted out, holding Sting out, ready to strike. "Show yourself!"

There was a light patter of feet and the one person he didn't expect came into view at the end of the hallway; his cousin, Drogo.

"Hello, cousin!" Drogo said, throwing Bilbo a toothy smile.

"What in Middle-Earth are you doing here?" Bilbo lowered Sting and just stared. He couldn't have been more surprised if the mayor and sheriff had popped out of the pantry.

"Well, we came to see you," Drogo answered, giving Bilbo a hug just as his wife Primula came out of the kitchen and hugged Bilbo as well.

"We hoped you would be back soon," Primula said, drying her hands on a dish cloth. "I have just finished making a late lunch, so you are just in time."

Bilbo was shocked but glad to see them. Even with an eighteen-year difference, Drogo was still Bilbo's favorite cousin. But that still didn't explain why they had come all the way from Buckland, basically broke into his house – not that he cared – and made lunch all in the hopes he would be home.

"I can't believe you both are here!" Bilbo was over his surprise and went up to Drogo for a proper hug and greeting. "For what am I owed this occasion?"

His cousin just looked at him, confused. "What's the occasion? It's your birthday, Bilbo! Please don't tell me all that walking has made you forget?!"

_Birthday? Oh yes, I guess it is_. "Of course not! Don't be silly." Bilbo had forgotten about it, but it certainly wasn't the walking that had made him forgot. Thorin was still on his mind from the night before and when he thought of his true love, nothing else was worth remembering really, not even himself.

Birthdays. Every good Hobbit would tell you that celebrating a birthday was the number one day in a Hobbit's year. Even more than Winter's Day or the Summer Solstice. It was a time to celebrate being alive and sharing that sprit with your family, friends and neighbors. When a baby was born, the parents would give out gifts as a way to celebrate their good fortune and to bring luck to the new infant. This tradition would then continue through each birthday. Of course, children only gave gifts to other children and even then, usually only in their same age group. Once a Hobbit reached their coming of age, thirty-three, then gifts were given to any and everyone that came to their party. Again, this was mostly family, friends and a few close neighbors. But well off Hobbits like the Bagginses, Brandybucks, and Tooks, they had parties usually for their entire village and then invited guests from other towns. Huge parties were thrown with near never-ending food and drinks, cakes and sweets, and of course presents.

Bilbo, being a Baggins of course, was supposed to have huge birthday parties and they should have been the talk of the shire, let alone just Hobbiton. But since his return he had not had any, not one. He didn't see the need in celebrating. _Exactly what should I be celebrating? _he thought many times to himself. _A lonely, empty Hobbit Smial with too much room that should have been filled with life and love. Celebrate the loss of my one true love? _

Now that he thought of it, he couldn't remember the last time he celebrated a birthday. _Oh yes, on the road to Erebor; my fifthly-first birthday. Gandalf had let it slip to the company and while I protested, they all gave me something. Thorin had given me a small but beautiful fur pelt to keep me warm. I loved it so much – I could smell him on it. But I lost it during the journey. Just like him. _

His heart pulled at him and he had to quickly compose himself to return their smiles. "Well, I am glad to see you both." He placed his walking stick and rucksack near the door and hung Sting back above the fireplace.

Lunch was served and Primula had outdone herself with all of Bilbo's known favorites. Baked river trout with a lemon and sage cream sauce, tomato pie with goat cheese and basil, roasted potato wedges with lemon and rosemary, fresh salad with onions and warm bacon, and to finish it all off, baked apples with cinnamon, walnuts and dried cranberries. Drogo had brought a wonderful bottle of red spring wine that was slightly chilled, and that helped improve Bilbo's mood as well.

Drogo and Primula shared the latest news with Bilbo. Apparently, Lobelia was _still _trying to convince people that Bilbo was an imposter or changeling; even going so far as to petition the Mayor of the Shire to declare it publicly. No one took her seriously and it was finally one of Bilbo's close neighbors who had had enough and dressed Lobelia down in spectacular fashion right in the middle of the Saturday market!

Bilbo's spirit was slowly lifting but it was still not enough. Part of him was still taken by the last four days' journey into the wild and he was just now able to shake off the lingering melancholy that came from thinking of Erebor and Thorin. He knew that he had to stop, at least while his cousins were here. It was too much for him to try and hide it and he could swear that now and then he caught them looking at him with concerned or questioning eyes. But neither said anything and as lunch was ending and the plates cleared, Biblo thought that he would have smooth sailing from that point on. Until Drogo brought up the letter.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," Drogo said, looking over his shoulder while washing dishes with his wife, "I got your mail for you when we arrived. It's on your desk. There seems to be a letter of some importance."

Bilbo got up quickly and went to the front room. There in a small pile was his daily mail and among the ignorable correspondence was a large letter in a parchment envelope. The handwriting was strong but beautiful and he knew recognized it in an instant; it was from Dis. He ripped it open and his heart sank.

_Dearest Bilbo,_

_I know it's been a while since I have written last and for that I am truly sorry. Please know that this is not a mark of disinterest but more of a fear of writing. I have much to tell and not all of it is pleasant._

_As you know, I have done my level best to keep our inglorious, undeserving King from totally ruining my last brother's memory or his plans for Erebor. Believe me I have tried._

_But I must now confess that I have failed._

_Dain, that pompous toad, has done his best to have anything to do with Thorin removed from Erebor. The yearly celebration for reclaiming Erebor is no longer on the anniversary of the Battle but has been moved to the day of Dain's coronation, and has been renamed Dain's Day! It started out slowly; each year the feast was moved back a week for some meaningless made up excuse by Dain. Food delivery, some crisis of state (which was trumped up for sure), convenience for arriving guests or what have you! And of course, Thorin's name is never mentioned; they just have a minute of silence for "those who gave their lives." It makes me sick! But I of course am "just a female" and since there is no one else of my family left, I am alone in my opinions, which amounts to nothing in the eyes of the council._

_Speaking of the council, Balin has been removed – if you can believe it! I am sure you already knew that Dain had replaced him as King's advisor. Dain used the excuse that Balin had suffered much and that it was time for him to rest – Warg dung if I ever heard it. So Balin was moved down to just councilman. Then, just six months ago, Dain decided that there were too many on the council and basically retired those with ties to Thorin or our father and brought in only his people. Balin was humiliated!_

_But even more insulting was Dwalin. Once again, Dain made excuse after excuse and had Dwalin removed as Captain of the Royal Guards, and replaced him with one of his own cronies. The excuses? Dwalin had earned his retirement and it was time for younger blood! I thought Dwalin would spit granite! Of course, he couldn't just go back to the regulars so now, like Balin, he has retired. _

_Even poor Bombur has not been immune to the purge. Dain stated that while Bombur was, "technically" a fine cook, Dain felt that there were far too many "foreign" dishes being served and his stomach was just not used to anything but "basic dwarrow food." In other words, Bombur had been using the many recipes that you gave him to bring much needed variety into the Erebor kitchens and Dain didn't want anything that reminded anyone of you and, by default, Thorin._

_So far, the only one to be safe is Ori. Dain could not care less about the library and archives and has left Ori in peace. Of course, he is extremely unhappy at how Dwalin has been treated and had threatened to quit on principle, but Dwalin told him to stay where he was. I have to admit, I am pleased to see that big blockhead put Ori's happiness before his own._

_The rest of the company is doing well for the most part. Bofur and Bifur have been busy with toy making and the Dale trade has really picked up now that fields and area are rebounding. Bombur did find work with Dori – Dori opened that tea shop and when Bombur was let go, the two of them decided that Bombur would make all the pastries and goodies and it has been a great success. Nori of course is having to be extra careful. Dwalin was never one to let him get away with anything, but still, it was better when he had friends in the Royal circle. Gloin and Oin are doing fine. Luckily neither of them have been removed, but they have also been passed over for promotions. Gloin's son Gimli seems to be doing well in the guards – although he would love to be a Royal Guard. However, with Dain in charge, he knows that will never happen._

_As for me, Dain would love to get rid of me and away from him and the council at all costs. However, since I am still the last living direct descendant from Thror, no one is willing to back him much on that and I think he knows that the populace would not see that as anything other than what it is. But as I have said, my influence is practically non-existent._

_Oh, Bilbo, how we all wish you had stayed or, better yet, we had gone with you! Nothing has turned out as Thorin had hoped._

_Again, I am sorry to write such a letter to you, but I don't feel hiding the truth would be of any use. If there is anyone who needs to know, it's you. I cannot but wonder what the kingdom would be if Thorin had lived to rule, with you at his side._

_Please write soon Bilbo. We miss you._

_Love always, Dis_

Bilbo stood silently staring at the letter. He let it sink in and although he could feel the old anger towards Dain rise up in him, he could not deny that he was not surprised. He had always known that pathetic excuse of a king would rid himself of anyone who had or would have supported Thorin. Dain would not stop until all that once had or should have belonged to Thorin was his. And now he had the proof in his hands that all Thorin was, all he fought and died for, was crumbling to dust.

Looking back at the letter, he felt a tiny painful pull in him; _I cannot but wonder what the kingdom would be if Thorin had lived to rule._ Wonder indeed; he could almost picture it. Thorin looking handsome and kingly in his Durin Blue robes and a golden crown on his head, sitting on the Throne of Erebor and the Arkenstone gleaming above him; Bilbo was awed just at the mental image. But instantly, it turned cold and he had to stop himself; he would cry if he continued.

"Is everything all right?" Drogo said, coming up to Bilbo and placing a hand on his shoulder. Bilbo came back to his senses but didn't turn around for fear his cousin would see the pain in his eyes.

"Oh, yes." Bilbo took a deep breath and folded the letter back up, placing it back on the desk. "Just a letter from a friend in Erebor with the latest news and gossip." Now he turned around and gave Drogo a mirthy smile he did not feel, but Drogo's expression spoke of more concern.

"I have known you my entire life." Drogo said, gently. "I know when you are hiding something. And you have been hiding for five years now."

"Oh, don't be silly!" Bilbo said, trying again to look casual. Primula came out of the kitchen and stood next to Drogo. She too was not taken in by Bilbo's easy but obviously forced smile.

"Bilbo, we want to help you," Primula said, with almost a pleading in her voice.

"I have no idea what you two are going on about." But Bilbo would not meet their eyes and he quickly picked up the letter and put it in his pocket for fear that one or the other of his cousins would take to reading it. The jest was not lost on the others.

"No one really knows what happened on your journey," Drogo said. "And you came back a different Hobbit."

"Almost a broken one," Primula added.

"In the last five years," Drogo continued, "you have not had one birthday party and you haven't come to any of the family's holiday parties. So don't tell us there is nothing wrong."

"You two should write books," Bilbo said, as casually as possible, "your imaginations are just that wild. I have just not placed an importance on birthday parties –"

"Which you used to do before going away," Primula said quickly.

"And holidays are not that big of a deal, besides I hate to travel –"

"So sayeth the man who traveled to Erebor and back," Drogo said dryly.

"AND, you all know my adventures," Bilbo finished with small shrug. He was determined to be as casual as possible but he still wouldn't look either cousin in the eye.

"No we don't," Primula said, her expression getting sharper. "All we, or anyone, have heard are the tales and stories you tell the children. Told with the same tone and air as someone telling bedtime stories."

"There really were trolls and Elves and a dragon –" But Bilbo was cut off.

"Oh of the basic facts we have no doubt!" Drogo said, pointing to Sting and Thorin's map mounted above the fireplace. "Don't think the news of Dale's and Erebor's restorations hasn't reached all the way to the Shire or that Smaug's slaying is not known as well. And believe me when I say that when it comes to hearing that a Hobbit was involved in the entire venture, there is little doubt in most sensible minds who that is referring to!

"But what all those stories don't tell us is what happened to _you_!" Drogo was beyond patience. He had watched his dear cousin the last five years and had hoped against all hope that Bilbo would finally come to his senses and, at the very least, return to his old charming self. But Drogo was tired of waiting and in his and his wife's eyes, Bilbo was not getting better but was withdrawing and getting worse. Drogo refused to stand by and do nothing, even if that meant a knock-down-drag-out with Bilbo.

Bilbo was wavering. Part of him cried out to be released; he wanted to open his soul and pour it out like water on the ground. He was tired of holding it in and hiding. He wanted to shout to the world that Thorin had lived, that he had been loved and adored and still was. But as Bilbo fingered the golden ring in his pocket, another part of him snaked its way up to his consciousness and he believed, _no he knew_ that what he had was his and it was precious. He would not share it with anyone! No matter what his nosy, meddling, troublesome cousin said – Thorin was his and his alone!

"Do not presume to know what is in my heart!" Bilbo growled like a wild thing, turning on Drogo. "You have no idea what I am feeling and what I have been though! You would never understand! Go home with your wife and live in your isolated, small world!" He turned his back on his cousins and crossed his arms – he was done.

Drogo was hurt. Never in their wildest dreams would he have thought it would come to this. The Hobbit before him was no one he knew; the Bilbo he had loved and waited for was truly gone.

"Fine!" Drogo shouted, turning away and grabbing his coat and walking stick. "You want to be alone and miserable, then you can stay that way for all I bloody care!" He opened the door and looked at his wife. "Come, Primula. We are leaving!" Without another word or look to Bilbo, he walked out the door.

Primula could only stand there for a few long seconds just blinking. She had no idea how the day had come to this. Finally she moved to the front door, put on her cloak and picked up her satchel. But she just wouldn't leave without one last try.

She walked up and placed a gentle hand on Bilbo's shoulder to turn him around. He did, reluctantly, but only gave her a hard stare. "Bilbo," Primula said, "I am sorry if we offended you. Please know that wasn't our intention." Bilbo did not respond or offer any sign that he accepted her apology. "Someday you may want to tell your story. And I hope this may help you." Primula removed a rectangular gift from her satchel and put it in Bilbo's hands. Without waiting for a response, she turned and walked through the front door, closing gently behind her.

As silence filled the smial, Bilbo felt the fire of his anger go out and leave him cold. But he refused to run after them – partly embarrassed and partly because he couldn't explain it. He was shocked at his own behavior and had no idea where it had come from. However, it was late now and he would deal with it later.

Looking down, he read the little card on the gift, _Happy Birthday, Bilbo. Much love, Drogo and Primula_. Bile rose up in his throat as the guilt washed over him like ice water. Ripping open the gift, he was astounded. It was a large leather bound journal with beautiful parchment sheets. The cover was reddish leather, soft as lamb skin and was embossed with vines on either side. At the bottom were his initials in gold and an eight-pointed star at the top center.

Bilbo was touched and he knew exactly what it was intended for – as Primula said, someday he might want to tell his story, even if it was just written down. But he couldn't, not now, not anytime in near future that he could think of. Someday he might, but today was not that day.

In fact, it was time he locked it all away – he was tired of being asked about it all. He opened his trunk that held items from his adventure and placed the red book in it and then went to the front room and took down Sting and Thorin's framed map, took them back to the trunk and placed them in as well. He locked the trunk and hid the key. Now there was nothing for anyone to ask about. He decided that the mithril shirt that Thorin had gifted him would go to the mathom museum in Michel Delving.

Finally, he took the painted pictures of his father and mother out of his mother's old study and hung them over the fireplace in the front room. Now it looked perfectly fine and acceptable and the questions and prying would stop! _Thank Eru for that_, he thought. _Yes no more questions. It's like it never happened._

It was then that he lay down on the floor in the middle of the room and curled up and cried until there was nothing left within him.


End file.
